Senior Center Lawlessness Prompts Federal Response: Lemon Meringue Crisis Escalates

NOTE: What follows is a satirical take on Trump's absurd assertion that Portland is "war-ravaged." There is NOTHING funny about the way ICE agents have come into Portland and brutalized the residents and peaceful protestors there. THAT is unconscionable and certainly not the America I know.

President Trump appears ready to send troops into the Portland area.

“It’s about time someone takes care of this lawlessness,” agreed Nellie Johnson of the Beaverton Senior Center just outside Portland.

Protecting our rights--and
our baked goods?--in Portland

Johnson recounted the numerous times that Harvey “Big Harv” Davidson would skip the line at the Senior Center Bake Sale just to snag the last piece of lemon meringue pie--describing a problem emblematic of that which the National Guard will likely find in the Portland area.

“He does the same thing when Bessie brings her German Chocolate Cake,” she added, shaking her head. “And I’m not the only one who’s sick of it!”

Senior Center officials have previously attempted to stem “Big Harv’s” actions by providing him with Bingo cards that have Roman numerals instead of numbers and by revoking his cribbage privileges, but to no avail.

Johnson declared, "Maybe it's time to start cracking some heads."

"Big Harv," mouth full of lemon meringue, was unavailable for comment.